missing him not you i lie


you feel asleep on my chest in my bed, with my arms wraped tightly around you, i was off starring at the blinds thinking about mr zachary dean curtis, and how i'd give you up in an instant,how all i wanted was him in my arms, the way he use to cuddle and lay his head on my tummy and play with my hair.

as you looked up at me and asked what i was thinking about. i know you wanted me to say that i was thinking about you, but i couldn't bring myself to lie to you, then again i couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth either. telling you the truth would do you no good, make you realize how much i care about him more than you. but all in all that would do neither of us any good. so i'm left telling you i'm thinking about nothing. which all in all is a lie. but i know i can't tell you the truth, and i know if i say nothing you'll think i'm thinking about soething stupid.

as you asked why me and zack grew distant. and i mentioned the situation with Sam. i oculdn't help but get pissed that you got pissed at Zack. its not your place. I can be mad at him, and i got over it. our situation made it alright for him to do what he did. i've accepted it and got over it. sure it would of been nice if he stayed true. but what can i expect. i didn't go to races with him. he needed someone there with him. And if you mentiuon any of this to him. i will end us. end us quicker than i thought i would.

you'll never be up to par with him. your nicer than him. but all in all you've got nothing on him. you make me feel special he makes me feel dangerous and like a broken rule. you try to change me, he accepts me. with my drug habits and everything.

i know you care about me and you only want the best. but what if i dont want the best, what if i settle for second best. What if the loving sincerity of a true realtionship is what the idealistic me wants, but not what the pessimistic me wants. cause for some reason i'd rather have a bad ass asshole who treats me like shit and his best friend. the the prince that will sweep me off my feet and treat me like a queen.

sorry this is not good news to you.

but i'd take him over you.

any day any time any place.

and if he were to call me up right now and ask for a second chance, or even hint that there was a possibilty of a second chance. i'd jump on it. leave you and hope for the best with him.

so im sorry..


but this is everything i can't tell you.